Hold Me Together

Hold Me Together - Royal Tailor
I think I've decided each blog post will have a correlating Youtube video.
Hold me together has recently become one of my favorite songs because it brings up the fact that I am often unsure how far God's love reaches and if he can hold me together.

Hello Mercy
I have been searching for you lately
I've been wounded and from what I hear
You have remedy

• Mercy is defined as something that gives evidence of divine favor. This weekend I was definitely reminded of how I am favored by the lord. Recently I have felt that life was falling apart. I got angry and discouraged. Rather than dwelling in the Lord I got down on myself because shockingly I can not do it all on my own. I desire a remedy to who I am, how I feel, and what is happening. I did not realize that what I needed all along was a savior and that all he wanted was for me to ask for his help.

They told me You would be for me
So now I need to know
Is this a love that can save me
Or say You will then don't
Will You stay with me when nobody is around
If this is real, then tell now

• The they in this reminds me of some of the youth leaders in my life. These people constantly help me and remind me of who I am and who Christ wants me to be. No matter what they tell me though it is in my nature to question everything. I don't have a lot of trust so believing that there is a love true and strong and pure enough to save me is really hard. I have been told I was loved before but the way it was displayed proved it was fleeting and selfish, I am so thankful to have a God that will stay with me when no one else is around. It is real and he tells me everyday through the peace in my life I have never had before.

Can you hold me together
Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart
Falling apart

• So when I first heard this I thought of it as a question but now I see it as more and more of a plea. Lord can You PLEASE PLEASE hold me together! I'm falling apart. Please tell me your love can reach all the way down and save little ole me. Hold my heart in it hand. Thaw it out and make it beat for you again. I know I question you but I want to know if you can save me. I want to see you become my everything. Can you handle me? My heart is heavy and keeping me from falling apart won't be easy. Do you love me enough?  Hurry Jesus. I don't want to completely break!

Saying so long, been lost, been gone
Not sure what to pray
It's not easy but I know You see me
When I lose my way

• This part makes me want to turn things around. I walk away sometimes...especially when I'm angry or hurt. I've been gone a while and I'm so lost in this world when all along I should have been lost in my relationship with Jesus. I should have been seeking that love and peace rather than some fleeting worldly comfort. Praying has not been easy for me so basically I just talk to God like he's a friend. I yell at him, I cry to him, I tell him all of my stupid little secrets. It is hard to be out on the line. To acknowledge my shortcomings, but I know he he sees my heart. He sees the depths of all I am and still loves me. When I stray he is right there, loving me, calling my name, and waiting for me to come running back.

I keep on floating not knowing
If there is more for me
Don't want to sink beneath waves of negativity
I'm going under,
I'm afraid that I might drown
If this is real,
I need you now

• This part again reminds me of my wanderings. When life knocks me down and I feel like I am so low I can't get up I tend to grow stagnate just rolling with the punches that are thrown. I do have negative tendencies and it is so easy for me to ignore my many blessings and focus on the bad. I don't want to do that I want to take joy in the fact that each wave that knocks me over leads to me being stronger and wiser when I get back up. I really do get scared sometimes because I can't pull myself out of my despair. The amazing thing is I am not supposed to. When my world is crumbling I can always cling to the cross and in the Lord's abundant love there is absolutely no room for my negativity but only a love that pulls everyone into the joy of light.

I'm feeling stronger
With you by my side
And I realize You are my hope
I need to know


The lord is my HOPE! He will never leave me and in that is my strength. Self reliance and independence will only lead to a farther fall because I am nothing without my savior. He is my light and my peace and I need to do a better job of showing that. Each day is new and I'm growing up a little bit more slowly changing from a beautiful disaster into the beautiful creation I was meant to be.

Introducing A Beautiful Disaster....

Beautiful Disaster - Jon McLaughin
To begin I should let you know that I am someone who has been called many things. What kind of things? Well I've been called; nice, mean, loud, smart, stupid, strong, stubborn, prideful, and many other things. Most recently people have decided that I am a mess. They also really enjoy pointing this out, frequently. Well guess what, you are all very very right. I am a hot damn mess and I will not pretend to be anything less. Life has been interesting for me, a roller coaster of emotions and events that I can neither predict nor control. A few lines from the song posted above describe me really well "She's not a drama queen, she doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen but tired, she would change everything for happy ever after, caught in the in between of beautiful disaster" You see I sometimes wish my life was a fairy tale, that things always worked out for the best and every tear cried brought some wonderful change that altered my reality forever for the best. Unfortunately, I live in the real world. I am not a beautiful put together princess who knows that at the end of each storm there will be a marvelous rainbow with a pot of gold and my prince to make everything alright. However I know that everything I've been through I've gotten through by having faith that no matter how unfair it seems God has a bigger plan for me that I will one day understand and appreciate it. So to those of you who don't feel comfortable with the fact that I am not completely put together feel free to not be part of my life. I will not work to gain the love and appreciation of people that can not appreciate me for who I am. You will not be the first to choose to keep your distance from me and you will probably not be the last but I sincerely wish you the best and I hope your ability to be uphased by life continues to make you happy. I wish life had given me equal proportions of lemons and sugar so that my lemonade could be to your tastes but I am working on making it less bitter. I know that I am a good person, I try hard to be the best friend, student, daughter, sister, and aunt anyone could ask for. I'm full of love, in spite of being conditioned to hate, and that is honestly so much more important to me than not being a mess. I expect a lot from the people in my life I invest my time, energy, and love in, not because I'm a hypocrite but because I expect a lot from myself. So yes, I am a mess but I'm realizing that I'm okay with that. After all the broken often need the broken to find wholeness much more that they need the judgement of others. I would love to help as many people as possible.
So yes I am a tired, disgruntled, discontent, bitter mess in progress but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Remember I am perfect only in my imperfection =)