How it Feels To Be Held

Natalie Grant:Held

I have been thinking a lot about what Faith in God really is recently. I can be extremely prideful and don't like asking for help from anyone, even God. Believe it or not the time I feel like I got the best glimpse of this was when I was holding sweet baby harry and rocking him to sleep at COPPROME.

 Which as you can see happened a few times in the last month <3

But anyways...I was rocking him to sleep singing things like Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and Amazing Grace and as his eyes closed my heart was so full and the thought occurred to me that this must be what God feels like when we stop fighting peace and put our Faith in him. The bible says that we should cast all our cares upon the lord because he cares for us, but how often do we actually do that? I know that I am constantly struggling with anxiety and stress over things in life like money or school(which are VERY important), but how much happier could I be if I just took some time to just trust God and give into the peace we wants for my life. Harry has had a tough hand dealt to him in life and some of things that have happened could break your heart. However, he has come to trust me and he knows I love him so he has faith that everything will be okay if he rests for a while in my arms. That seems like the perfect embodiment of childlike faith to me. Constantly here I am impressed by the childlike faith of many of the people in Honduras. So man situations they have dealt with seem unimaginable to me but the love of some of the amazing organizations down here has really shown them that if you trust in God all you NEED(need is not a synonym for want) will be provided. Talking about the new project H2H is going to start with the Children's church in a bad neighborhood last night really brought back to mind the Faith of the preacher there. He told us that he was been praying for years for people to help him and when we came he so totally embraced us with love. His faith in God has impacted countless lives in his community and hopefully God will help H2H broaden that impact. The Natalie Grant song Held has always been one of my favorites. It so accurately depicts allowing God to hold you even in the worst of times. Isn't it amazing that the creator of the universe holds us all like small children even in the toughest of times? Isn't it liberating to let him have control and find peace?

Let him hold you for a little while, you won't regret it.

Be a light.

Love in all forms

Fathers Day Blog

(Super late sorry I'm a disaster)

Never Grow Up-Taylor Swift

Because You Loved Me- Celine Dion

For my own reasons Father's Day isn't my favorite holiday. I have several friends who feel the same way, while some people post about having the best dad in the world I know several people who don't have many good memories, if any at all. However, being here in Honduras caused me to think about it a little differently. One of my favorite ways to describe God is a father to the fatherless. Since I am literally living in an orphanage currently I started thinking about what exactly that could mean to someone. I realized that being a Father to the fatherless doesn't have to be a hallmark card relationship but can be seen in the way that God provides for his children. I see the love that H2H has poured into the people of Olivos. The kids all adore Shelton and shout in excitement whenever they see his truck because they know laughter and affection are going to be given out. Women in the village are moved to tears when their friends that come on the trips year after year leave. Children who are shy and reserved come to life as they form bonds with people that they once would never have imagined meeting. In the Orphanage today we celebrated the birthday of Sister Terracita(I probably butchered that spelling) who founded the Orphanage years ago. Watching all the kids sing to her and make her cards really witnessed to the impact she has had in their lives. These kids have been brought here for a variety of reasons but for some the workers and other children here are the only family they know. The impact that LOVE has already had on the people here is incredible to me. Tonight I got to sit with the kids while one of the women Rachel lead the daily devotion. It was precious to me to see such a real interaction between her and the kids. They laughed, answered questions, got reprimanded for misbehaving, but more than anything they got to experience someone who is daily part of their lives honestly talking about God with them(From what I could understand my Spanish isn't great). Anyways, I chose these two videos for a reason. I'm weirdly obsessed with Taylor Swift and when I first listened to this song I had just left for college and it brought to mind my nieces(Who I really would appreciate if they stopped growing up). Listening to it tonight made me think a little differently. Part of the song talks about the child being young and not scarred and I realized that stopping that isn't even an option for most of the kids here(and many I've worked with in the states as well). Several of them have scars that are made even more visible by the fact that stitches here are a hack job. Baby Harry is 2 years old and has already spent days in a row of his life more hungry than I can ever imagine being. There are so many kids all over the world(including the US) who have to "grow up" much too quickly. This makes me wonder, while I definitely understand wanting to keep kids from growing up, if providing them love through the hard parts of life isn't a much better option. Children have soooo much potential and intelligence and they absolutely thrive when given love.  I look at people like Sister T,  Rhonda, my bosses at my job back home  Leslie(calls literally everyone love) and Cheryl, or my old Sunday school teacher Mrs. Terra as she minister to women in prison, and wonder how many people will look back one day and say "I am everything I am because you loved me"(See second video ;)) I'm definitely inspired by these women and think they are being an example of "A Father to the Fatherless. To wrap it up this post isn't really about being a father or needing a father(but if you are one LOVE on those kiddos they need you) It's about going out and putting love into the world, especially of children, and watching as more wonderful things than you could ever imagine occur(Reap What you Sow) You don't have to be the perfect mother, father, brother, sister, teacher, child, worker but I truly believe that if you live a life serving and loving other there will be rewards all around(Not that it will never be hard but that is a post for another day)

Be a Light. 

LOVE

LOVE-By Jana Kramer

 

At first I was going to delete my old Blog(with it's grand total of three posts)but I decided it may be fun to look back at where I was 2 or 3 years ago. I was a very angsty 18 year old haha. For those of you who don't know I am spending the summer in Honduras. I'm working with an organization called Hearts2Honduras and they are incredible!H2H Website!I decided to come to Honduras for several reasons. First, I love kids. I love working with kids. They are smart and funny and innocent and literally have their whole lives ahead of them. I believe that there is a reason Jesus says to be like a child. It doesn't mean act like a child, it means love. They love selflessly and they love intensely and they appreciate things that adults tend to overlook. Second, I was struggling after a year that had been pretty intense for me. I needed a change of pace/scenery. I was EXHAUSTED at several points this year, I realize now a lot of  that is my own fault. I work a lot and I have a bad procrastination problem at school and I stress myself out. Third, I needed some time to focus on others and get out of my own head. I get too wrapped up in my head and I let other peoples problems impact me way too much. Serving others is Psychologically proven to spread happiness all around(I'm a psych major so i know this kind of crap but feel free to look it up;)) Fourth, I feel like I can learn a lot from this trip. I hope spending time with people who have so much less than I do will really change the way I think. I'm ready to see how loving others and letting others love me can change my world and my concept of what true love is. 

Now that I have given a little bit of background I will talk a little about the trip so far. I was completely unprepared(SHOCKER). I didn't finish packing until the morning before and didn't text my mom until 1am to ask for a ride(Sorry Mama). I got to the airport and had no idea what to expect and it's been amazing. The kids and the people in the village of Olivos are incredible. They have all been working so hard to build their homes and start better lives for themselves. Driving up to the village each day is great, so many smiling faces and hugs and kisses. The Orphanage is great too. 43 amazing kids live there full time. Many were brought there after being abandoned or suffering from malnutrition. One group of brothers was brought there after a group found them, they hadn't eaten in 10 days. Can you imagine? They are all so sweet and full of life and even though it isn't a perfect environment(What is?) they really provide a sense of family and they get food and love everyday and that help gives them a better chance to thrive. We also have started working with a church specifically for kids on a bad side of town. The pastor truly loves and invests in the kids. The area is known for targeting youth for gangs and drugs, there is an incredibly high pregnancy rate for young girls, and poverty leads to desperation for many of the people. However, we went to two services last week and you could literally see God working. I'm from the city and I could tell the area was sketchy but as soon as you walk into the church it all melts away, These kids seem happy and content, the way only kids do in situations where they feel safe and loved. I'm excited to spend more time with these people and see what happens. I will elaborate more on everything later but this trip has been amazing so far and I can't wait to see what happens next

P.S.-The people who were on the first trip were AMAZING and were a huge part of this whole experience being so great! I love ya'll and miss you already!

Amazing Love: How Can It Be?

"A Woman Like You"- Lee Brice
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbAp5nphTz4

"You know I get sick deep-sea fishin’
And you make the best fried chicken
I got a hopeless golf game
I love the sound of your name
I might miss that old green ‘Nova
But I love watchin’ you do yoga
I’d take a gold band on my hand
Over being a single man
Cause honestly I don’t know what I’d do
If I’d never met a woman like you."




Is that not the sweetest thing you have ever heard? Like I'm in love with this song because I think it is so honest and playful and sweet. The message of anything you have to give up being completely worth it really strikes me. I would die to have some guy sing that to me and mean it.
See love isn't something I am comfortable with at all. I frankly just don't really understand it. Now don't take that as I don't love people. If anything, I love people to a fault. Like if I get to a point in a relationship with someone that I love them I'm all in forever. My friends and family are my world and there is nothing I wouldn't do for them and I think of them all the time. I just don't rally feel like someone other people can love. Not because I'm self deprecating I know how I am and what I deserve I just still can't grasp it. Maybe it's the whole daddy issues thing because I am kind of uncomfortable with real love from a male figure, especially an unconditional kind. "Love? I have never even heard of it. Even the sound of it offends me." –Peter Pan. As childish as that sounds really portrays my view on love. I don't really understand it so I mock it because it makes me uncomfortable. I've never wanted to be in a couple where it's all touchy feely and gross but I do really want someone to give me "that look", the one of complete adoration and respect one day.
The hardest part of Christianity for me is ultimately accepting that a power so strong and wise would ever desire me and love me as a child. Like since when am I not just that person people use when it is convenient? The fact that God pursues me constantly and wants to spend eternity with me blows my mind. It makes me want to work harder to deserve it. There is an amazing quote:

"Popular culture tells us: Find the right person and fall in love.
God tells us: become the right person and walk in love."

As I go into yet another new chapter of my life my main goal is to constantly work and strive to be that better person. He has made a good work in me and as long as I dedicate my life to sticking as close to his plan as possible he will provide everything I need. I'm starting now to think about and pray for the person I believe God has waiting for me and I am excited to learn to walk always in love with God so I will be more prepared for other types of love in the future.

Hold Me Together

Hold Me Together - Royal Tailor
I think I've decided each blog post will have a correlating Youtube video.
Hold me together has recently become one of my favorite songs because it brings up the fact that I am often unsure how far God's love reaches and if he can hold me together.

Hello Mercy
I have been searching for you lately
I've been wounded and from what I hear
You have remedy

• Mercy is defined as something that gives evidence of divine favor. This weekend I was definitely reminded of how I am favored by the lord. Recently I have felt that life was falling apart. I got angry and discouraged. Rather than dwelling in the Lord I got down on myself because shockingly I can not do it all on my own. I desire a remedy to who I am, how I feel, and what is happening. I did not realize that what I needed all along was a savior and that all he wanted was for me to ask for his help.

They told me You would be for me
So now I need to know
Is this a love that can save me
Or say You will then don't
Will You stay with me when nobody is around
If this is real, then tell now

• The they in this reminds me of some of the youth leaders in my life. These people constantly help me and remind me of who I am and who Christ wants me to be. No matter what they tell me though it is in my nature to question everything. I don't have a lot of trust so believing that there is a love true and strong and pure enough to save me is really hard. I have been told I was loved before but the way it was displayed proved it was fleeting and selfish, I am so thankful to have a God that will stay with me when no one else is around. It is real and he tells me everyday through the peace in my life I have never had before.

Can you hold me together
Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart
Falling apart

• So when I first heard this I thought of it as a question but now I see it as more and more of a plea. Lord can You PLEASE PLEASE hold me together! I'm falling apart. Please tell me your love can reach all the way down and save little ole me. Hold my heart in it hand. Thaw it out and make it beat for you again. I know I question you but I want to know if you can save me. I want to see you become my everything. Can you handle me? My heart is heavy and keeping me from falling apart won't be easy. Do you love me enough?  Hurry Jesus. I don't want to completely break!

Saying so long, been lost, been gone
Not sure what to pray
It's not easy but I know You see me
When I lose my way

• This part makes me want to turn things around. I walk away sometimes...especially when I'm angry or hurt. I've been gone a while and I'm so lost in this world when all along I should have been lost in my relationship with Jesus. I should have been seeking that love and peace rather than some fleeting worldly comfort. Praying has not been easy for me so basically I just talk to God like he's a friend. I yell at him, I cry to him, I tell him all of my stupid little secrets. It is hard to be out on the line. To acknowledge my shortcomings, but I know he he sees my heart. He sees the depths of all I am and still loves me. When I stray he is right there, loving me, calling my name, and waiting for me to come running back.

I keep on floating not knowing
If there is more for me
Don't want to sink beneath waves of negativity
I'm going under,
I'm afraid that I might drown
If this is real,
I need you now

• This part again reminds me of my wanderings. When life knocks me down and I feel like I am so low I can't get up I tend to grow stagnate just rolling with the punches that are thrown. I do have negative tendencies and it is so easy for me to ignore my many blessings and focus on the bad. I don't want to do that I want to take joy in the fact that each wave that knocks me over leads to me being stronger and wiser when I get back up. I really do get scared sometimes because I can't pull myself out of my despair. The amazing thing is I am not supposed to. When my world is crumbling I can always cling to the cross and in the Lord's abundant love there is absolutely no room for my negativity but only a love that pulls everyone into the joy of light.

I'm feeling stronger
With you by my side
And I realize You are my hope
I need to know


The lord is my HOPE! He will never leave me and in that is my strength. Self reliance and independence will only lead to a farther fall because I am nothing without my savior. He is my light and my peace and I need to do a better job of showing that. Each day is new and I'm growing up a little bit more slowly changing from a beautiful disaster into the beautiful creation I was meant to be.

Introducing A Beautiful Disaster....

Beautiful Disaster - Jon McLaughin
To begin I should let you know that I am someone who has been called many things. What kind of things? Well I've been called; nice, mean, loud, smart, stupid, strong, stubborn, prideful, and many other things. Most recently people have decided that I am a mess. They also really enjoy pointing this out, frequently. Well guess what, you are all very very right. I am a hot damn mess and I will not pretend to be anything less. Life has been interesting for me, a roller coaster of emotions and events that I can neither predict nor control. A few lines from the song posted above describe me really well "She's not a drama queen, she doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen but tired, she would change everything for happy ever after, caught in the in between of beautiful disaster" You see I sometimes wish my life was a fairy tale, that things always worked out for the best and every tear cried brought some wonderful change that altered my reality forever for the best. Unfortunately, I live in the real world. I am not a beautiful put together princess who knows that at the end of each storm there will be a marvelous rainbow with a pot of gold and my prince to make everything alright. However I know that everything I've been through I've gotten through by having faith that no matter how unfair it seems God has a bigger plan for me that I will one day understand and appreciate it. So to those of you who don't feel comfortable with the fact that I am not completely put together feel free to not be part of my life. I will not work to gain the love and appreciation of people that can not appreciate me for who I am. You will not be the first to choose to keep your distance from me and you will probably not be the last but I sincerely wish you the best and I hope your ability to be uphased by life continues to make you happy. I wish life had given me equal proportions of lemons and sugar so that my lemonade could be to your tastes but I am working on making it less bitter. I know that I am a good person, I try hard to be the best friend, student, daughter, sister, and aunt anyone could ask for. I'm full of love, in spite of being conditioned to hate, and that is honestly so much more important to me than not being a mess. I expect a lot from the people in my life I invest my time, energy, and love in, not because I'm a hypocrite but because I expect a lot from myself. So yes, I am a mess but I'm realizing that I'm okay with that. After all the broken often need the broken to find wholeness much more that they need the judgement of others. I would love to help as many people as possible.
So yes I am a tired, disgruntled, discontent, bitter mess in progress but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Remember I am perfect only in my imperfection =)